


fuck me (wait, no, not like that)

by iuwui



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Cute, Dejun is Not a Dog Person, Get Your Freaky Minds Out Of Here, Grossly domestic, I Don’t Want To Bling Bling Your Eyes, It Is Not A Casting Couch, M/M, Pets, Short (like Dejun), Suddenly There Is Spice, There Is A Couch, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Totally Wrote This For Myself, Wong Kun Hang is Whipped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24260908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iuwui/pseuds/iuwui
Summary: “You’re meaning to tell me you volunteered to petsit Bella.”Kunhang shrugs. “You know. I thought it’d be fun. Bella’s cute.”“Yukhei’s little monster ‘Belly’,” Dejun repeats, making quotation marks. “The one that tried eating Louis last time she came over.”———alternatively: kunhang wants a dog and yukhei needs a pet sitter
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 18
Kudos: 100





	fuck me (wait, no, not like that)

The day is lazy, moving slow like a spoon in cold _Lao Gan Ma._ The clock on Kunhang’s phone reads 18:48, and his phone is slightly fast. (or all his other electronics are slightly slow)   
  
He yawns and flips over in his bed. Hong Kong is almost in the muggy, gross season of tourism, (oh, sorry, summer) so he’s savoring the month of May. Well, as much as someone can savor the consistent rain. There is no perfect weather day. It’s either rain or more rain, with a side of clouds. Rinse and repeat. Thirty days go by so quickly. It’s always June 1st on the dot, too, when the white people arrive, loud and blustery and more often than not drunk.

It’s got to be some kind of conspiracy.

Louis slinks into the room, giving Kunhang the stink eye. Dejun claims it’s because Louis was born like that. Kunhang thinks differently, but it’s impossible to convince Dejun otherwise.

”Aw, come on,” Kunhang says. “You’ve known me since adoption. How come you don’t like me?”

Louis does not respond. This is because Louis is a cat.

”Everyone hates me,” Kunhang laments. “My boyfriend’s abandoned me, there’s nothing in the fridge except a box of leftover pad kee mao, and you continue to look like I offended you in a past life. What about it, cat?”

Louis gives Kunhang one final glare, and makes his way out the door, leaving Kunhang sprawled across the bed. The thick, fuzzy blanket that he should’ve put in the closet weeks ago itches the back of his thighs out of pure spite.

Forget about tourism, Kunhang wants to know if there’s a conspiracy against him.

Probably not, but he’s always had a flair for dramatics.

He’s wondering if he should get off his ass and go to the grocery, but the fruit there is overpriced and the manager doesn’t like him.

Actually, when Kunhang thinks about it, a lot of things don’t like him.

He does nothing.

The door to the apartment swings open, Dejun cussing like a sailor.

Kunhang jumps up.

His boyfriend is back from a run, wearing a white sleeveless shirt and carrying a watermelon. He’s gross and wet and his hair is matted to his forehead. Kunhang falls in love all over again. Dejun finally gets the watermelon under control, drops it with a thud on the dinner table, and collapses into a chair.

Louis makes his way to Dejun and mews softly.

”Hi, buddy,” Dejun says, scratching him underneath the chin. “Miss me?”

Kunhang heaves a sigh. “My boyfriend goes off, yet again, and he returns to lavish attention to the cat. Of course. Life is unfair.”

”Oh, shut up,” Dejun chides. “Louis doesn’t require much attention. Meanwhile, you’re just a toddler.”

Kunhang sticks out his tongue and pulls out a chair besides Dejun. “You’re all sweaty. Gross.”

”Yes. It’s called exercise. Something that you wouldn’t know.”

”I do plenty of exercising!” Kunhang says indignantly. 

“Playing football games with Yangyang is not exercise.”

”Do not diss FIFA like that in my household.”

”Just eat the watermelon,” Dejun says.

Kunhang heads into the kitchen, almost wiping out on the greasy floor in his pink slippers. He should’ve cleaned it a long time ago, but more pressing matters had been on his mind. He grabs the fruit knife and two spoons.

“Point that thing away from me,” Dejun says, as soon as Kunhang closes the glass partition between the kitchen and the rest of the apartment.

”You’re a cruel man.”

”I’m a man who prefers to have all four of his limbs intact.”

”Life isn’t fun without the risk of losing a toe,” Kunhang argues, but he’s a little more careful with the knife anyways.

He carefully wields his knife and chops down the middle.

”You couldn’t have brought the watermelon into the kitchen with you?” Dejun asks.

In retrospect, Kunhang _could_ have. But there’s more fun bringing the knife down. He fulfills his ancient warrior dreams with every unfortunate fruit he murders.

”Just eat your watermelon.”

Of course, he steals bites from Dejun’s half, while Dejun does the same. After all, stolen food tastes better.

( ・∇・)

”Alright, I have a confession to make,” Kunhang says. He’s kind of high off of the watermelon, but he gets high off of most things, so it’s chill.

They’re on the couch, Kunhang lying on Dejun’s stomach, which is warm and a great personal space heater. He’s taken a shower, and smells like a generic brand of clean. He’s drowning in one of Kunhang’s sweatshirts. Kunhang digresses. 

”Great.” Dejun doesn’t look up from his phone. “What problems do you have this time?”

”It’s not my problem,” Kunhang clarifies. Then he realizes what Dejun said. “Hey!”

”I knew it was a problem.”

”No, but this time it seriously isn’t my problem. It’s Yukhei.”

”Xuxi?”

”Yeah, Lucas.”

”Are you going to leave me for him?” Dejun asks. He continues to type into his group chat.

“What’s to say my confession wasn’t proposing to you?” Kunhang says. His voice is whiny today, and Dejun (as usual) has zero fucks to give.

“Because it’s illegal,” Dejun replies.

If a record were playing, it would screech to a stop.

Kunhang wonders where he can get recordings of sound effects to play.

_*inserts crickets*_

Giving up, he chirps by himself, but his voice cracks and Dejun starts windshield wiper laughing.

His head is unceremoniously jerked up as Dejun cackles. 

“Shut up!”

Kunhang lets out a war cry and tries to pounce, but the couch is tiny and he gets maybe half a meter before Dejun’s annoyingly muscular arm stops him. The other hand is still scrolling through Weibo.

Maybe Kunhang should go to the gym.

He settles down again, setting his head right back upon its rightful spot on Dejun’s stomach, and Dejun grumbles and says something about how he should learn what personal space is, but Kunhang knows he doesn’t really mind.

(≧∀≦)

Kunhang is a hyperactive toddler. Dejun is a soft grumpy grandpa. He’s got the glasses and everything.

The glasses, Kunhang might add, are unfairly attractive and make Dejun six times more kissable.

This is science. Do not question it.

The glasses in question are pushed up, making Dejun’s hair stick up wildly towards the ceiling. Kunhang wants to flatten the unruly mop and kiss him senseless. He doesn’t have a great track record for that sort of thing, seeing as these are Dejun’s third pair of glasses since they moved in together, but love > vision any day.

They’re still on the couch. Dejun had tried to move, but Kunhang pushed him back down. 

Kunhang’s sleepy.

He wants to fall asleep on the couch with Dejun and wake up tomorrow with an awful crick in his neck. Actually, what he really wants is something of sinful nature, and he knows Dejun will never indulge him.

Kunhang hasn’t had it in the longest time, even though it was how they originally met.

The night was dark and the streets were illuminated, and people were getting drunk and high around them.

They had gone to a convenience store and picked up bottles of aloe vera juice, then gone back to Dejun’s apartment for leftover cake.

Cake. Light, fluffy white cake, with whipped cream and fresh fruit artfully arranged on top. Maybe a decorated cookie on top.

He had tried making a cake once before, for their six month anniversary. It turned out under baked on one side and burnt on the other, it was lopsided and the whipped cream was grainy. It was a horrible cake. Dejun ate a slice anyways and thanked him profusely, and then told Kunhang to never try and bake again.

Dejun says something, pointing to his phone.

Kunhang jerks out of his cake-induced stupor. “Hm?”

“That one person we knew from college is now wildly successful and dating a model.”

”Ooh, who?”

“Minghao.” Dejun shuts his phone off. “Always liked the guy.”

Kunhang refrains from pouting, but Dejun reads him as easily as a book.

”Not like that, stupid. Also, did you not hear me? Dating. A. Model. As in another person. As in he’s taken.”

”Yes, but in college you always looked up to him.”

”It was a hero worship type thing. And what wasn’t to like? He was smart, handsome, good at sports, funny, talented, and rich.”

”Then how did you end up with me?” 

”Because I love you,” Dejun says simply.

Kunhang regrets not making his surprise an actual marriage.

”Now, what was the big confession you had earlier?” Dejun asks, carding his hand through his hair. It sticks up even more. He looks like an angry bird, all eyebrows and poofed feathers.

_Crap._

╮(￣▽￣"")╭

”Right. About that.” Kunhang wonders how to word it. “Yukhei is going on vacation for two weeks, and he needs somebody to watch his dog.”

Dejun freezes.

”Surprise?” Kunhang offers weakly, making jazz hands. Dejun ignores him.

“Let me get this straight.”

 _Ha. Straight. That’s_ _funny._

”You’re meaning to tell me you volunteered to petsit Bella.”

Kunhang shrugs. “You know. I thought it’d be fun. Bella’s cute.”

“Yukhei’s little monster ‘Belly’,” Dejun repeats, making quotation marks. “The one that tried eating Louis last time she came over.”

”She was just playing!” Kunhang says. Dejun is the furthest thing from a dog person, but Kunhang didn’t expect him to react this negatively.

”Are you sure none of our friends can do it?”

”Well, Yangyang is going with Yukhei on the trip, Sicheng is running a dance studio, Ten already has three cats that hate Bella even more than you-” Kunhang stops at Dejun’s devastated expression. “Sorry.”

”We don’t know the first thing about raising a dog!” Dejun says. His initial shock has worn off, and has transformed into something between panic and disturbance.

”We aren’t raising her,” Kunhang replies. “She’s fully grown now, and Yukhei has trained her. We’ll just be feeding her and taking her on walks.”

”And catering to her every whim, and praying the neighbors don’t ask what’s happening, and clean up her poop, and keep her away from all the delicate dangerous pointy things we own.”

”About that, why do you have so many dangerous breakable items?”

”Because Louis is smart and doesn’t have a built-in destruct button!”

That was kind of harsh.

”When Yukhei first got Bella, you loved her,” Kunhang says. “Remember the little pink sweatshirt you bought?”

”When she was small and low maintenance.” Dejun rubs his forehead and sighs. “I don’t have the patience for this.”

”Don’t do that, you’ll give yourself wrinkles,” Kunhang says. He sits up. Dejun ignores him, muttering something under his breath in Mandarin, which isn’t fair.

Technically, Kunhang should know Mandarin, but he went to boarding school the majority of his life, and his nannies and extended family either spoke English or Cantonese. So he can do an amazing enraged auntie impression, but take him to Beijing and he'd barely be able to function.

Dejun lets Kunhang take his limp hand. He groans. Seriously, with how he was acting, you'd think Kunhang was trying to sever his leg with a rusty saw.

"Shush."

"How the hell are we going to take care of a fully grown dog?"

"She's a beagle. It's not that bad."

"You said that about the durians your grandmother sent us last year." Dejun crinkles his nose at the memory. "The apartment smelled like rotting flesh for the next two months."

Kunhang laughs slightly. "We got through it together."

"Alright," Dejun sighs. He gives Kunhang a half-smile. "When is Yukhei coming over?"

"Tomorrow. At two am."

"oH MY GOD-"

(；￣Д￣)

Someone's knocking at the door.

Slowly.

Heavily.

_Thunk._

_Thunk._

_Thunk._

Kunhang is about to get up and tell them off, but something's crushing him.

He wriggles, and when the large sack on top of him hums discontentedly, he realizes that they really did fall asleep on the couch. Dejun's face is relaxed, and Kunhang doesn't want to wake him up.

Also, his back is dying.

Kunhang tries to flip Dejun over as quietly as possible, and shakes his head.

He opens the door and Yukhei is standing there, grinning.

It's ass o'clock in the morning. Kunhang doesn't even think you can consider this morning.

Yukhei shouldn't be that awake.

Kunhang resists the irrational urge to punch him. Especially because Yukhei is a maniac when it comes to working out, and could throw Kunhang out the window without blinking.

"Hi," Yukhei whispers. Of course, his whisper is deafening. "Is Dejun asleep?"

"Yeah," Kunhang whispers back.

"Okay. Bella's also asleep, but I have a list of things you should follow to take care of her." Yukhei digs around in his pocket, and takes out a piece of paper. Kunhang can't see anything, so he sticks his head in the kitchen and turns on the lights. He's temporarily blinded, but shuts the door, and the muted light is enough to see what's going on.

"Where is Bella?" he asks.

"She's right outside. I brought up all her stuff before knocking."

"Okay. Do we need to bathe her?"

"No. You have to clean her ears, though."

"We have to what now?"

"Just do it next Saturday. It's really easy, I've done it a bunch of times. Bella's a good girl. She won't act up."

Dejun was going to kill him.

Yukhei holds the dog carrier carefully, and places it quietly on the floor.

He points out all the things- dog food, water bowl, brush, leash, toothpaste- and whispers a goodbye to Bella.

"The flight is at seven, so I should hurry," Yukhei says. "Text me with any questions, okay?"

Kunhang whispers a goodbye, and looks at the carrier on the floor. Bella's sleeping. He won't try and bother her.

His phone's alarm goes off, a quiet ringing. Two o'clock.

Kunhang shuts it off and goes back to the couch. Dejun is fast asleep, breathing in huffs with his nose scrunched up.

He braces himself and hoists Dejun up. 

Kunhang staggers. He makes his way down the hallway, making sure he doesn’t accidentally whack Dejun’s head. Kunhang nudges the door open with his foot, already completely done with carrying Dejun, who is way too heavy.

He sets Dejun down on the itchy blanket. Dejun’s still wearing the sweatshirt, so Kunhang doesn’t bother with finding another blanket to cover him.

He’s set in that time, body drowsy but brain awake, somewhere in between the state of dreaming and being awake.

Kunhang laughs quietly to himself, thinking about how Dejun’s going to freak out when he wakes up, and he falls back asleep.

(￣o￣) zzZZzzZZ

“G’morning,” Dejun says. His voice is creaky and low. Kunhang would appreciate it more if his head wasn’t actively dying.

Kunhang rolls over and spreads his arms out on both sides, whacking Dejun.

“Hey, wake up.”

“No, bitch boy,” Kunhang responds, reaching for a pillow to cover his eyes with.

Dejun whacks him back. “Come on. Wake up.”

”...maybe if you kiss me, I’ll be inclined to try something.”

“No. Absolutely not.” 

Kunhang grins. “You don’t give me any kisses. Ever. It’s like we’re an unhappily married couple.”

Dejun sighs.

“Kisses.”

“Go brush your teeth.”

_Gottem._

(￣^￣)ゞ

Kunhang finishes dressing. He does a once over in the mirror, and heads out to the living room. Louis is on the coffee table.

The kitchen fan is on, whirring loudly. Dejun is inside. It’s been too long since he’s cooked. Kunhang likes weekends, when he can have Dejun to himself.

Bella is outside of her carrier, and she pads up to Kunhang. 

He sets her bowl down, and looks inside the bag. A measuring cup is already inside. Yukhei’s list of instructions is on the wall, carefully taped on the whiteboard calendar. 

_3/4 cup of feed, once in the morning, once in the afternoon._

He scoops the amount, and goes to the kitchen, holding Bella’s water bowl.

Dejun has two pans over the flames. One is on the back burner, and he’s frying up food in the other.

“Ooh, what are you making?” Kunhang asks.

“Will you leave?”

“Not until I get the kisses.”

“Good lord, you’re annoying.”

“Just swear.” Kunhang pokes Dejun. “You know you want to.”

“If you don’t shut up, you aren’t getting any kisses.”

“I’ll fly out to see Yukhei and Yangyang. Crash their vacation. Are they dating?”

“No,” Dejun replies. “They wanted to go to a place, and apparently you get free gifts if you claim it’s a honeymoon.”

“We should do that,” Kunhang says.

Dejun raises an eyebrow. “We’re broke, Kunhang.”

“Say that again.”

“We’re broke?”

“My name. Say my name, say my name, say my name~” Kunhang sings. 

Dejun cringes. “Your voice is awful right now.”

“Not all of us can be famous enough to appear on CCTV. Singing solo.”

“This has nothing to do with my primary school choir and everything to do with your unhealthy obsession with ATEEZ.”

Kunhang’s sister had given him a couple of albums as a joke after her trip to South Korea. He had forced Dejun to sit through the MAMA awards, and had almost bought concert tickets. Dejun, to his credit, liked Wave.

“Do not insult my husband Seonghwa like that.”

Dejun snorts. “Leave me for him, then.”

“I would. I just don’t speak Korean.”

“Get out of my kitchen.”

”I need to fill Bella’s water bowl,” Kunhang says.

”Fill her bowl and get out.”

Betrayal. This is betrayal.

”I live in a dictatorship,” Kunhang mutters.

Dejun raises his wooden spoon threateningly in response. 

“Alright, alright, I’m leaving!”

｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

He turns on the tap and gets cold water running, fills the bowl up to the brim, and goes back to the only creature that loves him.

Kunhang places the water bowl next to the food bowl.

“Hi, Belly,” he coos softly. Bella looks up and sniffs his hand a couple of times, then goes back to eating from her bowl.

Kunhang wishes he owned a dog. A cute, soft one, like Bella. Not a Siamese cat with a superiority complex.

Dejun slides the door open, carrying the pan of congee. Kunhang jumps up, about to help, then backtracks to go wash his hands.

When he returns to the table, Dejun has ladled congee into two bowls, and has a plate of _youtiao,_ too. Nothing like a little cardiovascular disease to start the day.

“What do we want to do today?” Dejun asks, spooning congee into his mouth.

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Be serious. Just once.”

”Art museum?” Kunhang offers.

”Are there any we haven’t been to yet?” Dejun asks.

”We could just go walking. We need to walk Bella, anyways.”

”I thought we could go walking this afternoon...”

”Does Bella even understand Cantonese?” Kunhang asks.

”Bella’s a dog, Kunhang.”

”Well, Louis is a cat, but he always knows when I’m talking about him.”

”That’s because cats are smart.” Dejun ignores Kunhang’s splutter. “Should we go shopping?”

”Ah, yes, shopping. The dream.”

”Shush,” Dejun says. Kunhang reaches over and tears a _youtiao_ into pieces. Bella makes her way over. Kunhang looks at her soulful eyes and quietly feeds her a piece.

”Say, Dejun, will _youtiao_ kill a dog?”

Dejun is looking at his phone. Kunhang peers over his shoulder to see him searching up places to go.

”I don’t think it will, but too much grease isn’t good for any animal. We should just follow Yukhei’s instru- did you feed Bella _youtiao?”_

Kunhang laughs nervously. 

“Why did Yukhei trust you to watch his dog?” Dejun asks, tipping his chair back to stare at the ceiling. “You’re a terrible person. He’s going to come back and I’ll have to explain why Bella has suddenly developed twelve new ailments and I no longer have a boyfriend.”

”You’d murder me?”

”Oh, definitely. I’d get your insurance check and everything.”

(;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)

“Hey, it’s not that bad,” Dejun says. He lets out a quiet snicker.

”Shut up. Shut up.”

”I did tell you not to feed her the-”

”I DON’T NEED TO HEAR IT.”

It turns out that walking the dog is not a good idea. Well, usually it is, but they walked the dog in the afternoon.

Dejun has managed the epic task of window shopping the entire morning. As one might have noticed, there is nothing here about it. That is because Kunhang blocks out chunks of time that annoy him.

Case in point: the shopping.

Kunhang is what an English teacher would call an _unreliable narrator,_ but Kunhang is not here to educate the children so quite frankly he does not care.

So they went shopping, and Dejun bought nothing after four hours, and they returned to Bella barking her head off while Louis hissed from the corner.

According to Yukhei, Bella needs a lot of attention. 

Dejun’s positive they’re going to be evicted, but the landlord hasn’t said anything yet.

The point is, they headed out on a walk, and apparently _youtiao_ did a number on Bella’s digestive system, because she went and had a massive- ugh, Kunhang doesn’t even want to mention it.

But he’s there, trying to clean the literal shitshow, while people walk past them. 

“Think about it positively,” Dejun suggests. “She could have pooped on your sneaker collection.”

”You’re really enjoying this, huh?” Kunhang asks.

”Oh, yes.” 

Kunhang can hear the smirk in Dejun’s voice. He gets the poop in the plastic bag, and looks at Bella.

”God, how am I gonna do this for another two weeks?”

(● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

It’s been three days, and Kunhang thinks Dejun’s really warmed up to Bella. As in, he doesn’t make passive aggressive comments in her general direction, but still won’t touch her. 

It’s a start.

They’re on the couch again, but Dejun isn’t on his phone. Kunhang’s too invested in his drama to even look at his boyfriend.

It’s not even really that good. The plot is subpar, the actors are more visually pleasing than actually talented, and he can already tell they’re dragging on the whole thing so it’ll end up being two seasons. But it’s great for distracting Kunhang from the miserable day he’ll have tomorrow, working from apartment and having a meeting with fancy women that dress in fur coats and flex their money.

Bella is curled up at his feet, the Traditional subtitles are on, Louis is at the very edge of the room, judging the television screen. Dejun is half-asleep.

 _“I love you!”_ The secondary male love interest- Shuiping, if Kunhang recalls correctly -grabs the female’s wrist. His face is pleading. He also looks constipated. Very at odds with each other, but somehow, it works.

 _”You only love me when it’s convenient for you! You only love me when I don’t love you back!”_ Fei-Fei shoots back. Her fiery persona is hiding a dark secret. (At least according to the plot synopsis. So far, it just seems like a normal drama.)

 _”I’m still better for you than Xiaohong!”_ Shuiping says, breathing heavily. _“At least I care about you!”_

Fei-Fei looks up, laughing bitterly. _“You? Care? You never cared about me. Never. You broke me.”_

She shakes off Shuiping’s wrist and steps back, her long eyelashes a stark contrast against her pale skin. Tears stream down her face, dripping to the ground. She turns away, and Kunhang is about to holler something like, “You go, girl! Fuck men!” when she turns back and gives Shuiping a longing glance.

”Oh my god, just have revenge sex already,” Dejun says boredly.

Kunhang’s head snaps up. Dejun is back to looking at the screen. Times like this make him wish he could truly speak to animals, to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating or anything.

 _”He’s using you!”_ Shuiping yells. _“He does this to every girl! One that’s hurt, and he tells them his secrets and feeds them pretty lies and makes sure they fall in love with him! And if they’re broken, he’ll crush them for fun.”_

Fei-Fei shakes her head. _“Stop it. Stop telling me-”_

 _“-the truth?!”_ Shuiping is manic, begging Fei-Fei to stop and look at him. _“I don’t want you to get hurt, Fei-Fei.”_

 _”What part do you not understand?”_ Fei-Fei cries. _“I’m already hurt! And if Xiaohong can take away any of the pain you’ve inflicted upon me, I’ll take it!”_

”Have we ever fought like that?” Dejun asks. “I feel like we do a lot more name calling.”

”Oh, definitely.” Kunhang seizes the opportunity to tease Dejun. “You know, like how we had that huge fight because you didn’t do the dishes.”

”I’m pretty sure I screamed at you to ‘put it back, it’s all wet and slimy’ before.”

Kunhang grins. “You still remember that fight we had about my sock?”

”No, I remember our neighbor knocking on our door and saying that we should be quieter when trying things out.”

The actors are still talking. Kunhang looks down at the captions.

 _”I can prove it, Fei-Fei,”_ Shuiping says. _“I’ve seen him do it to so many other girls before.”_

 _”Why?”_ Fei-Fei asks. _“No, how?”_

Shuiping takes a deep breath. _“Because. Because Xiaohong is my cousin.”  
_  
The scene freezes, and the camera does the dramatic 360 degree panning, showing off the actors’ perfect side profiles. The highlight reel starts playing, with shots of Fei-Fei’s apartment, her laughing with Xiaohong, Shuiping sobbing alone in a telephone booth. _  
_

The episode ends with a picture of Fei-Fei and Xiaohong on a carousel, Fei-Fei on the horse, looking down at Xiaohong with a shy smile, Xiaohong grinning broadly. The sponsors run across the bottom- Sprite! Baby Formula! Car Insurance! -and it finally splutters out, playing the ending song.

Kunhang kind of sings along, moving his head with the soft beat, but Dejun grabs the remote and shuts it off.

”Oh, come on!” Kunhang complains. 

“You have a big day tomorrow. Good night’s sleep.”

”Yes, but you just killed my vibe. You can’t do that. It’s a crime to shut off a song in the middle of it playing.”

”It’s not a crime,” Dejun says patiently. “You really need to sleep. Put Bella on her bed, she’s exhausted. And Louis has been grumpy all day. I haven’t been giving him enough attention.”

”I need more attention than the damn cat.”

”Shut up and go take a shower.”

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノ

"I've concluded I am grossly unfit for the position of a manager," Kunhang says, whacking his head against the table.

Dejun looks mildly concerned. "I think you're fine."

"It's crazy out there. I just know half of our clientele have lovely daughters or cousins that I would get along fabulously with."

Ridiculous.

Kunhang is working in the fashion industry because he loves it. Not because he wants a girlfriend.

"What, you can't just tell them outright you have a boyfriend with anger issues?"

"No, because as soon as they saw you, they'd try to woo you instead. Also, the whole boyfriend thing won't really fly with HQ."

"Why can't it swim with them?" Dejun asks.

Kunhang laughs. "That was horrible. Please never make a joke again."

“Well, forgive me for trying to make you feel better.”

”You know what’ll make me feel better?”

”Don’t say kisses.”

”I wasn’t going to, but if you really want to-”

”-Forget I said anything.”

”Okay, then.” Kunhang unsticks his face from the table. “Let’s go to the night market.”

”What for?”

”For the same reason you went shopping and dragged me with you. It’s my interest.”

”High end clothing and waffles are two very different things.”

”Ah, but they both make life more enjoyable.”

Dejun nods. “True. But what if I want to stay here and play guitar?”

”Then I can go get the egg tarts, and come back and listen to you mess up chords. It’s called compromising.”

”Oh, shut up. I’ll go with you.”

Later that night, Kunhang drowsily feeds Dejun bits of pastry, listening to “This Town” and wondering who hurt Niall Horan’s songwriters. It’s a sweet end to an otherwise mediocre day.

( T_T)＼(^-^ )

”I can’t do this. Yukhei trusted me with this and I’m going to fuck it up and he’s never going to let me back in Bella’s presence.”

”You’re cleaning her ears. It’s going to take five minutes.”

Kunhang looks at Bella, sitting in his lap. She’s adorable, and patient. 

“Hello, Bella,” Kunhang says. “I’m going to be cleaning your ears today. Hopefully I don’t hurt you. Oh, God, am I gonna jinx myself?”

Dejun blows out an exasperated breath and sits down on the couch next to Kunhang. The supplies are laid out in table, and he uncaps the bottle on cleaner.

“Lift her ear up, please.”

Kunhang sends a quick prayer up to his ancestors or whatever higher power that may or may not exist up there, and lifts Bella’s ear.

Dejun pours in a little solution, and sets a timer for two minutes. Kunhang doesn’t think he breathes at all in the two minutes, but the timer rings and Bella shifts.

Dejun takes a cotton ball and carefully cleans out her ear, and dumps it in the trash can.

”Move her around.”

Repeating the process, and cleaning out her other ear, and it’s done.

Kunhang sets Bella down and whoops.

”We did it! That wasn’t that hard! I didn’t kill her!”

”I did most of the work, you child,” Dejun says.

”Let me have this one accomplishment, old man.”

Their ensuing argument is stupid and Kunhang can’t stop laughing.

Love, he thinks, comes in all shapes and sizes, but it’s the smallest moments that matter.

(*☻-☻*)

Afternoon traffic makes its way past their apartment, the honking of cars and the taste of air pollution heavy in the air. One and a half weeks with Bella.

Yangyang’s WeChat updates are making it seem like the time of his life. If Kunhang sees another tiki torch or bikini-clad girl playing beach volleyball, he’s burning his Huawei.

“How much do I need to annoy you until you kiss me?”

They’re in the window seat, sitting on cushions. Louis is next to Dejun, and Bella is wandering around the house. She’s a good girl.

Dejun startles.

“You heard me.”

“A lot more than this,” Dejun replies, grinning. He’s reading a book, (educated men. hot.) wearing a white collared shirt, and it’s unfair because Kunhang is positive Dejun does this to tease him.

“Am I supposed to kiss you, then?” Kunhang tilts his head. “Is this just proving you’re a bottom?”

“I am not a bottom. That has to do with-” Dejun coughs. “-you know.”

“Ah. Sex?”

“LEt mE rEad mY bOoK.”

“Who knew that little Dejun would get embarrassed over a word?” Kunhang leans over, pulling Dejun’s book out of his hands. “So it’s true, hmm? You’re a bottom.”

“You’re going to crush Louis,” Dejun says. His face is all flustered, and he isn’t making eye contact.

“Don’t change the subject.” Kunhang tilts Dejun’s head up. “Are you a bottom?”

Louis gives the equivalent of a cat’s flipping the bird, and prances away.

Dejun sighs. “If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”

Kunhang pretends to think about it. “No.”

“Great.”

“Say you’re a bottom.”

“I’m not a bottom.”

“You’re such a bottom.”

Kunhang has Dejun backed against one side of the window seat, straddling him. A demon possession is likely, but if this demon can- excuse the vulgar language -get him some dick, he’s all up for it.

He takes his thumb and runs it across the bottom of Dejun’s lip.

“Are you sure you’re not a bottom?” His voice is teasing, sounding foreign even to himself.

“N-yes,” Dejun responds, breath catching.

“Alright, then.”

Kunhang slots their lips together, and his mind isn’t thinking anymore, just feeling.

Dejun kisses back, furiously, as if trying to prove he isn’t the bottom by busting Kunhang’s lip.

Kunhang gasps for breath, breaking away.

Dejun’s pupils are blown out, he’s grinning, and Kunhang is suddenly overwhelmed with an urge to crawl into a hole and die.

He did not just do that.

Oh, god.

He did just do that.

He just did that.

He do did.

Ba doo da.

Whoop de doo.

Shit.

Wong Kun Hang, a panicked gay since Day 1.

“Oh, okay,” Dejun says. “You just had a little surge of confidence. Knew it. Poor little Kunhang, neglected and sad, and he doesn’t even have the courage to carry through.”

“Shut up,” Kunhang retorts. It’s a weak retort, without any power behind it. Dejun’s the one with the upper hand now.

#help#whyisitsohot#kunhang100%bottom

Suffice to say, when Dejun kisses Kunhang back, and then they’re somehow on the bed, he’s glad they invested in soundproof walls.

⁄(⁄ ⁄ ⁄ω⁄ ⁄ ⁄)⁄

“Well,” Dejun says, after both of them are gross and sweaty against the sheets, “you got the ‘kithes’.”

“I hate you.”

“I’d like to think that we’re more than a one-night stand.”

“Get out of my house.”

(#ﾟДﾟ)

It’s Saturday evening, and Kunhang wants to live out his personal indie song. Too bad he doesn’t smoke and the fruits he needs for the aesthetic aren’t in season. Mangoes and Cat Hair doesn’t have the same feeling as Strawberries and Cigarettes.

Bella’s things are packed up, and she and Louis are still somewhat hostile, but have come to terms with each other. She understands she is leaving.

Kunhang will miss her.

He will also appreciate the end to the swim trunk fuckboy photos.

Yukhei said he would be swinging by before 21:00, so that 'You and Dejun still have time to get freaky if you want to later tonight. ;)'.

Kunhang wonders sometimes where he digs his friends up from, because he can't remember actually befriending Yukhei. One day he wasn't there, the next day Kunhang had a counterpart as obnoxious as him, except straight. 

100% would recommend.

It’s a quiet day.

He likes the quiet.

Kunhang stands up and heads towards the bookshelves, grabbing the first thing he sees and sitting back down.

Music Theory.

Intruiging.

It’s a strange thing, this music theory, filled with names he’s heard in passing and others he’s never heard of at all.

How do you even pronounce Schubert? 

He grows bored of it after the first five pages.

Kunhang puts the book back, and goes back.

”You know what’s strange about Bella?” Kunhang asks, looking over at Dejun.

”I’m actually not sure.”

”She doesn’t bark. She’s very quiet for a dog. Especially for a beagle, they’re known to be very loud when not paid attention to.”

”Oh, I’ve been taking her on walks,” Dejun says off-handedly.

”You? The self-proclaimed dog hater?”

”I don’t hate them, I just prefer cats.”

There’s a sudden knock on the door.

”This conversation is not over,” Kunhang warns, rising up from his seat to open the door.

Yukhei is tanned and smiling widely. “Where’s Belly?”

Bella runs up to Yukhei and starts licking his hand.

”Hey, Belly. Were you a good girl for our friends over here? Hmm? Of course you were! You’re such a lovely baby!”

Dejun coughs.

”Oh, hi guys.”

”How was Cancun?” Dejun asks.

”Lots of people. It’s weird, actually, it’s only May. We weren’t expecting all of them to show up. Yangyang and I had a good time. Highly recommend it, very nice people. The drinks are overpriced. The taxis are evil. We went on a tour of this really awesome pyramid but there was a bitchy woman with two kids. Not vibey.”

”Wow.” Kunhang says. “Sounds great.”

"Well, I'm back! Anything new?"

"Not much. No projectile vomiting or anything," Kunhang says. Then he wonders why he said it, because by telling the truth, he sounds like he was in denial.

Wait, what?

Help.

"I can help you bring your stuff to the car," Dejun says, breaking the awkward silence.

Yukhei smiles and offers a dude bro fist, which Dejun returns. Bella half-willingly gets into the carry cage, and Yukhei whispers sweet nothings to her before patting the top of the case. 

"Bella and Yukhei, taking on the world!"

Kunhang cringes. "Dude. Never do that again."

"The world is ours!" (World is ours... Don't you know I'm a 내가 널 이끄는 boss/Don't you know I'm a 내가 널 움직인 player/Don't you know I'm a 내가 널 이끄는 boss)

"Alright, I'm beginning to think Mexico messed with your head," Kunhang says.

Dejun shakes his head, lifting up Bella's bowls. "No. He was always like this. You were just too busy being a moron with him to notice."

"Ah, that makes sense." Then Kunhang realizes. "Hey!"

Yukhei grins. "My car's parked. Do we want to take the stairs or the elevator?"

Kunhang struggles under the bag of dog food. "Definitely the elevator."

"You're so weak," Dejun says. "I bet I could tip you over with my foot."

"Just you try, buddy boy."

Yukhei grins. "Okay, elevator it is!"

He's so loud.

Kunhang wonders wht he decided to pick up this stupidly heavy bag of feed.

They make their way to the elevator, but stop at floor three as someone attempts to get on, then shrugs and steps back.

The four of them must paint quite a picture- a body builder, a short dude with eyebrows, the medium sized one with amazing hair, and a surprisingly ferocious dog.

"Oh, now she's barking," Dejun says. "At least she didn't do it while we lived together."

"Why are you referring to her as a mildly problematic roommate?"

"Same reason why you talk to her like she's a princess. It's natural."

Yukhei winces. "Poor unfortunate soul. It's not 'like' she's a princess. She _is_ a princess."

"Seriously, Kunhang, where do you dig these people up?"

Kunhang is too busy struggling under the bag of dog food to reply.

It's heavy.

He's weak.

"We're actually childhood friends!" Yukhei says enthusiastically.

The elevator dings and slides open. The garage is a slimy place, all grey and damp.

You'd think with the price they were paying for the apartment, there would be some better parking, but no.

Kunhang does not recommend the experience to anyone.

They reach Yukhei's car, and Yukhei opens the trunk.

Kunhang dumps the bag of feed unceremoniously in, and rubs his arms. "Bella, I love you, but I am never carrying your feed again."

Dejun sets her box of stuff next to it, and slams the trunk shut.

"That's everything, then. Bye, Yukhei. Bye Bella."

Kunhang splutters. "You can't be that callous! Bella lived with us! She watched dramas with us. She listened to your strange yet fascinating collection of audiobooks. And you say goodbye? You better give her a damn monologue."

"Oh, shut up, or I'm shoving you in the car with Yukhei and living out the rest of my days with Louis."

"See you next Tuesday!" Yukhei yells. Kunhang gets out of the way as he backs up.

"Ha. He's gone. You can't get rid of me yet."

Dejun rolls his eyes. "Watch me."

( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

“Do you miss Bella?” Dejun asks, all of a sudden.

It’s been nearly three months since they had Bella over- tourism is at peak, Kunhang is wondering how he can delete the universe, Dejun got hit on again when they went out. Same old.

They’re on the couch. They’re always on the couch. The couch is the third person in their relationship.

“Well, she’s Yukhei’s dog. It’s not like I had an extreme emotional attachment to her.”

”Oh. Okay.”

Dejun has been quiet lately- he’s always been the type of person to think before he speaks, but he’s been purposely avoiding Kunhang.

Kunhang is worried about him.

There’s a possibility of him overthinking it, but it’s... well, it’s.

Overthinking is one of Kunhang’s many special talents.

“Are you okay?”

“I mean. I guess?“ Dejun tilts his head quizzically. “Is there a reason why you’re asking me that?”

Kunhang does a “ehehe” type situation, artfully dodging the question with his Mad Skillz™️.

Dejun, seeing completely through his bullshit, says, “If you have any worries, you can just tell me.”

“I’m worried about you, you stale cracker.”

”That’s a new one.”

”Fine. You want to know the truth? You’re worrying me, and I thought you were having an affair even though that literally make no sense, and then you didn’t talk to me for a good three days and it’s all awkward and yes I actually miss Bella and I can’t shut up and I’m scared I’ve screwed up and you’re angry at me and-”

”Whoa, whoa,” Dejun places his hands on Kunhang’s shoulders, steadying him. “How much sleep have you been getting lately?”

”Not enough! And that’s why I saw you, when you thought I was sleeping, but you were talking hushed into your phone in Mandarin even though we don’t speak Mandarin and I should really start using Mandarin and I keep saying the word Mandarin and oh god I’m annoying and you’re going to leave me.”

”I’m not going to leave you. You’re way too stressed right now. I’m sorry for sneaking around your back, but-”

”-You really are cheating on me?”

Dejun hits his head. “No! I’m trying to get you a dog, you _idiot.”_

Kunhang blinks. _“Oh.”_

“Yeah.”

”WAIT, YOU’RE GETTING US A DOG?!”

ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ

**Author's Note:**

> We've reached the end. Sort of. Let's just say it ends here because the new zombie apocalypse comes and Dejun sacrifices himself for Kunhang and then Kunhang throws himself off a building wailing.  
> #romeoandjulietcouldnever  
> Shuiping: Water Bottle  
> Xiaohong: Little Red  
> Fei-Fei: Fly-Fly??  
> anyways i can’t translate for shit my ancestors are probably rolling in their graves  
> Fun fact: Schubert contracted syphilis when he was twenty five years old on an excursion with a friend.  
> oh yeah thanks for reading


End file.
